We Are Carrying Enough

On the heels of the crimes perpetrated at Cornell University, I notice a lot of women online calling to respond to femicide with more violence, and to start carrying and fighting back.  

I get it, and I am enraged. I left America with my rage on a one-way ticket to India. 

Yet, the sudden call to meet violence with violence does not sit well with me.  

Growing up with tough big brothers, I learned how to fight; they taught me to defend myself. My sibling who was a cop in Yonkers, NY insisted I get at least one gun lesson, and I hated every second of it.  But that’s me; I’d rather be listening to ambient music and meditating. He taught me to play to my strengths, though— I’m strong enough, but scrappy, fast, and little, so my plan is always pepper spray + run, which I have thankfully never had to do. 

Knowing my personality and the way my body responds to stress, assaulting or possibly murdering someone is not something I’m particularly interested in.  I have a feeling that in a vulnerable situation I would get nervous and sweaty and practically hand my assailant my firearm, giving a criminal a free gun and putting another illegal firearm on the streets. Not to mention they’d probably give me a good clock on the noggin or worse before stealing my weapon. 

No, I’m not particularly interested in any of that. I’m saying this as a scrappy gym rat from Yonkers who was taught to fight; I know myself enough to know this is not the path for me. 

This rhetoric of mimicking men reminds me of a time not long ago when women tired of inequity in the workplace decided to become our own boss babe CEO’s, and we quickly realized that copying men and doing what they do is no good; we need to figure out our own way.

I hope we can find ways to outsmart these systems without resorting to violence. If you have that fire in your soul and love guns, more power to you; play to your strengths. 

I’m done amplifying the voices of these predators. I would rather find ways to serve and help women who are currently struggling. 

We are Jane Doe. When I was recovering from an abusive relationship, I didn’t have a lot of support from women, and I found that a lot of women found me to be “too much” during this process because I wasn’t standing in my power and because I let it happen. 

I wish that women would get off of the internet and start tending to each other. 

Here are some ideas: 

• Volunteer at a women’s shelter
• Volunteer at a domestic violence call center
• Help someone find housing, clothing etc.
• Run for office  
• Become a guardian at Lightem for a minor 
• Be a court watcher or show up to court cases in support of victims
• Become a lawyer or a judge, please! 
• Take someone out to lunch and listen to their story and believe what they say without judgment 
• Figure out what you have to offer and offer it; if you make art, make it and donate the $, these kinds of things. 

One thing I can offer is this: my big brothers taught me how to fight, and I’m grateful for that. They instilled a fearlessness and a grit in me that I now attribute to doing things like traveling around India by myself. I’d trade in that grit for a good relationship with my brothers and go to India anyway. 

Pepper spray and run yo.